I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize