Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
