Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
