I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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