I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
