The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
