You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
