I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
