I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
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