No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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