i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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