i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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