Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
the night ended with taco bell and tears
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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