I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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