There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Alive.
So much puke
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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