weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
