Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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