FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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