I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
