Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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