ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
