my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
