i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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