Someone shit on the floor
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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