and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
