I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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