Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
