oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize