did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
