someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
