Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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