put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
