from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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