New invention idea: vibrating tampons
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
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