he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
