make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
