I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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