he puts the penis in happiness.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
