I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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