Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Randomize
