forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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