You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
