There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I cut my penus on the lid.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
