Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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