Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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