Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
