I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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