Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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