I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
