I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
