there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
