i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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