watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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