Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
