Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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