I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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