i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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