to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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